A few years ago, we had our first child: a daughter. Having grown up in a family with all brothers (and, as you may have guessed, always wishing for a sister), I was both surprised and delighted when I found out we would be having a girl. Obviously, we had no expectations of what having a “girl” would entail, but there was something comforting in the knowledge that I’d have some familiarity at least with the early part of her life.
As our first kid, a daughter is also how we got more confident in parenting. Every phase has left us feeling like we have (temporarily) figured things out, and we’ve gotten to know what it’s like being parents by being her parent. So, I’ll admit, I was a little taken aback by my initial gut reaction when we found out we were having a boy for our second child. While it makes me feel guilty to admit it, my initial response was disappointment and fear of the unknown.
For me, having a girl felt familiar, with experiences that I recognized and knew how to deal with. But, a boy was something different altogether — I don’t know what it’s like to be a boy, and I immediately feared the experience of the unknown.
What is gender disappointment?
Before feeling it myself, I had heard about gender disappointment. According to the National Institute of Health (NIH), gender disappointment can be defined as “subjective feelings of sadness when discovering that the sex/gender of a child is the opposite of what the parent had hoped or expected.” On a global and cultural level, wanting a boy has been a notable preference throughout time, but nowadays it can be something parents feel for any number of reasons. Maybe they have a few girls and want a son as well, or vice versa.
To understand it a little better, I spoke with Rachel Goldberg, LMFT, PMH-C, a fertility, pregnancy, and postpartum therapist based in Los Angeles, who explained that gender disappointment is a pretty ordinary feeling to have.
“It’s normal to have feelings about gender,” Goldberg explained. “There’s nothing wrong with it. We can pretend we do not have certain feelings or preferences, but the truth is, it is really common and probably more widespread than people let on because of guilt or shame. Even if someone feels a little disappointed, it does not mean they will love or embrace their child any less.”
There are also different reasons that someone may feel gender disappointment. For example, sometimes someone may already have one or more children of a certain gender and want to experience something different, or the same!
Goldberg also shared that it can be tied to someone’s own experiences growing up. “They may have had a really special bond with a parent and hope to experience that again with their own child. Or maybe they had a tough relationship, and imagine it might feel easier or different raising a child of another gender.”
When is gender disappointment a problem?
So, according to the experts, gender disappointment is normal. But, when does it become a problem?
“There is no right or wrong way to feel about [gender disappointment],” according to Goldberg. “It is human. It only becomes more of a concern if the disappointment takes over, or if it makes it hard to bond with the baby, or causes lasting sadness or resentment. But having a preference, having a moment of sadness, feeling a little tug when finding out the sex — that is normal. It does not make someone any less of a good parent.”
Interestingly, of gender disappointment, the NIH shared that there “has been a discourse brewing within and around psychiatry for many years about the fine line between normality and pathology, with the potential for serious harm by ‘medicalisation’ of what some have argued to be the normal continuum of human experience and emotion.”
The NIH acknowledges that most uncomplicated gender disappointments are mild and resolve soon after birth. However, they share that “some individuals may require more intensive support, often psychological in nature, in preparation for managing expectations on arrival of the newborn, with careful monitoring thereafter of the mother–child relationship.”
Essentially, the vast majority of gender disappointment is a normal human emotion, but if it intensifies post birth, it’s recommended to speak with a specialist or mental health services to help.
How I dealt with gender disappointment
As for myself, I can safely say I fall into the former category, and know that any of the feelings of disappointment I initially had will feel different the moment I meet my son. The thing is, I love my daughter, but I also know that whether my second kid was going to be a girl or a boy, they would’ve been their own person with a different personality and interests without any correlation to their gender.
Additionally, as a parent, I feel very strongly that my children’s gender “norms” and understanding should come from themselves. While my daughter may currently be obsessed with princesses and dresses, if and when she has a 180 from those preferences from what are perceived as stereotypical “feminine” interests, she’ll have nothing but support from both of her parents.
And I think it’s because of how strongly I feel on that that I was so disappointed with myself for feeling anything but joy upon hearing we were having a son. In my heart, I know an assigned sex means nothing about who my child will turn out to be — and I was both upset and surprised with myself to have any initial feelings on the matter.
What I do still have left over is the fear. A recent watch of Adolescence brought up some of my very real fears about what it can be like to raise a boy in our society. That’s not to say girlhood is a picnic — with women’s rights constantly under attack, my daughter’s future is a daily cause of stress for my husband and me.
But, for boys, I get scared that I won’t do it “right.” I was raised with brothers who, thankfully, are kind, smart, and loving. But we were raised in an environment that definitely veered into some toxic masculinity, such as boys needing to “tough it out” or not feel their feelings as freely as I, the only girl, was allowed to do. That’s not me trying to throw my parents under the bus; I have no doubt they love us all, and were trying their best. But the experience is something that has stuck with me, as I fear that I hadn’t seen an example in my childhood of how I want to raise a son.
Ultimately, I know that the initial disappointment and fear will pass with time — it already has started to. The moment I hold my son in my arms and meet him face to face (instead of him kicking me senseless, as he is currently), I know this will fade. As for the fear of raising a child? I don’t think that one ever goes away.