Between a full workday, PTA meetings, sports practices, and the endless cycle of housework, by the end of the day, most exhausted parents just want to go the f**k to sleep. Rightfully so! For a lot of people, sex gets thrown to the back burner. The desire and energy to have sex can wane with parenthood. That doesn’t mean we don’t want to have sex, it’s just hard to get there sometimes. After a decade or two of marriage, that spark between partners can dull a bit.
For those looking to get back in the swing of things, one mom on TikTok shared the simple tips that she and her husband use to help keep their sex life alive and well.
“10 years and 2 kids later, my husband and I are still like a 3 times a week couple,” Sarah Biggers-Stewart admitted in her TikTok.
“I think this is something we need to talk about more openly because it can be really tough to navigate ….”
Then, she reveals her list which is as follows:
- you good?
- accept it matters
- prepare, prepare, prepare
- Nike was right
- literotica
- track it
She then goes into first on the list: You good?
“Number one. I have here is: You Good? This ‘You Good?’ category includes two things: The first is non-sexual, non-physical intimacy. If you feel like s**t within your relationship, like you’re doing it all alone, you’re not cared for or appreciated, none of these tips are going to override that,” she saus.
“The second half of it is physical. It is very common after having a kid to deal with prolapses, pelvic floor, muscle, dysfunction, scar tissue, pain, and ultimately discomfort with intimacy. So, you got to get that sorted out before you go further down this list. Both of those things are like stop there and get those fixed and then continue on.”
Next up, Jenaya recommends that couples learn to accept that sex in marriage actually does matter and should not be something to be put on the back burner.
“I put this one so high up because I think it is actually the hardest step. This is a mental step of accepting that sex is important. When you are in a rut, particularly if you’re the low libido partner, it is so easy to get into this mentality of like, ‘Why the f*ck does this matter? I thought our relationship was about more than sex. Am I just an object to you?’ And it begins to feel like an obligation and a burden and it can kind of piss you off,” she explains.
“Sex is one of the most innate drives that we have as humans. It is quite literally why we still exist here on planet Earth. And it is the thing that separates most relationships from platonic intimate and sexual romantic intimate. Like I can cry to and hug on and cuddle up with my friends and my family, but I’m not sexual with them. So you can have a wealth of intimate relationships, but the sexual part is unique to monogamous committed relationships. So if you enter into a monogamous committed relationship where there is a sexual element, it’s not crazy to have kind of like an unspoken agreement that you guys will both work towards a mutually satisfying sex life over the course of your life.”
Next, Jenaya recommends having open and honest communication with your partner about all the realistic things that can happen while being married.
“Number three, prepare, prepare, prepare. Especially if it’s your first kid, I think you can never go wrong by having more casual, informal conversations about the real shit,” she says.
“Talk about how you hope things will go after you have kids in this regard. Talk about the potential hiccups that might come up along the way. Talk about what might prevent things from going the way that you want. You can’t predict the future. The things you talk about might not be relevant when the time comes, but at least you kind of set the stage.”
She then shares an example of her own life when she explained to her husband about how physically draining the postpartum experience can be, sharing with him that she’ll be bleeding. Her hormones would be all over the place, and she is going to feel extremely touched out from nursing.
So, she told her husband that for the first five months of postpartum life, she wanted him to follow her lead because that felt like a reasonable timeframe of getting back up on the horse.
“In a partnership, it’s not crazy to have conversations with and educate your partner a bit, share the information you know about something as life-changing as having kids. So I think have those conversations,” she said.
“Number four, Nike was right when they said, ‘Just do it.’ Hear me out. Within reason, there is good reason to just get back up on that horse. If you’re feeling kind of neutral about it, you don’t want it, you’re not really thinking about it, but you’re not like, entirely opposed to it. Consider just going through with it,” she advises.
Getting the ball rolling can be a great step to making a big difference in your sex life or working out of a sex drought. Like Jenaya says, it’s all momentum-based.
The more sex you have, the easier it is to have it and the more you’ll have it. The less sex you’re having, the bigger of a deal it becomes that you’re not having it, and the less you’ll have.
Fifth on Jenaya’s tip list is for the book girlies! Read smut!
“Whatever your spice level is, whatever subgenre, like mystery, thriller, fantasy that you like, you can find it, whatever quality level of writing you like, you can find it. All I’m saying is that involving yourself back in content, and consuming some form of content that has a sexual element can remind you that you’re a sexual person,” she explained.
“It reminds you that you are a sexual being who wants sexual things. It can normalize sexual things, and it can even give you inspiration. My husband would attest to that.”
Lastly, track your sex!
Jenaya continues, “I have so many apps now, you can even use pen and paper where you track how often you’re intimate. Now, I already do this because it is my primary form of birth control and has been for eight years, but I find it so helpful to be able to look back and sort of catch things before they become problems.”
Stuff comes up, right? Sickness goes through the house. Work gets super busy. The holidays drain us of our will to live, then it’s a month later, and you haven’t had sex.
“It can spiral before you know it. You are then in a rut where you have to go back up a few steps on this list and just save yourself the trouble.”
So, you’ve gone through the list, and you’re thinking to yourself that Jenaya’s “three times a week” goal is a little much for you. Is that even normal? Well the “normal” amount of sex a couple “should” be having is totally relative.
However, scientifically speaking, according to an Archives of Sexual Behavior study, the typical American couple engages in sex 56 times a year. If we all do the simple math, that’s about once a week! Seems doable. Though, to be clear, to Kay’s point, there is no “normal” amount. We all ebb and flow when it comes to sex with our partners! And that’s ok!
