Everyone remembers when they had the birds and the bees talk with their parents (if they had it at all!), and it’s always kind of weird and awkward. Sex can be an uncomfortable subject, but one mom wanted to change that and all the stigmatized, sexist rhetoric that comes with having sex.
She wanted her daughter to have a healthy relationship with her sexuality and her sexual relationships with others. So, she came up with three rules that her daughter should follow when she feels ready to be intimate with someone, and spoiler alert: none of them have to do with love.
“I’ve shared before that my mom was just a fantastic mom … She still is. She just had the most incredible way of talking about things that made you feel comfortable and also expanded your worldview a little bit. I can think of no greater example than how she talked to me about sex,” Sarah Biggers-Stewart explains in her TikTok video.
“Her sex talk was unlike any of the sex talks I heard my friends get and it changed my life. I think it was very formative for me and I think it’s a large part of why I have a very healthy relationship with intimacy and why I don’t have any sexual experiences that I regret that I was in control of.”
Biggers-Stewart continued, noting that her mom covered the basics when it comes to safe sex (use protection, etc.), but she wanted to one thing very clear: sex does not always equate to love.
“…she said, ‘Sarah a lot of people your age and even as you get older tie sex to love. They think that love is always involved and sometimes it is. It often is, right.? Like it’s someone you’re in a relationship with someone you care about but it’s not always. So when you’re considering having sex with someone, ‘Do I love this person?’ It’s not the right question to ask,” she recalled.
Instead, she wanted her daughter to ask herself these three questions: Am I safe? Am I respected? Do I respect myself?
“Am I safe? Am I in a safe situation with a safe person being safe with condoms, birth control? That one’s more objective, right? The second one, am I respected? Could also be flipped to, “Do I respect this person?’ because am I respected? She kind of meant it like is this a person that I trust to give this vulnerable experience with myself to and to share that with? Do they respect me enough to have earned this right,” she said.
“And that doesn’t have to mean you’ve known them a long time doesn’t have to mean that there’s love or that you know them well. But I think we all know you can sometimes ascertain this answer pretty quickly.”
“And then last but not least, do I respect myself? And this is the big one. She said this is where people lose themselves. Can you wake up tomorrow and feel, at the least, neutral, but ideally happy, satisfied, proud of the decision that you made and how you made it? And if the answer to all three of those is ‘Yes,’ go forth! When I tell y’all that conversation changed my life, I mean it!’
Okay, this is perfect, and I will be stealing this for when I have “the talk” with my own daughter. Several other TikTok users felt the same.
“this explains so much of what makes your mom content different. love it,” one user wrote.
“👏 As a woman whose mom didn’t even talk to me about sex. Thank you! 🙏 I will be sharing this with my daughter,” another said.
“Oh no. I was heavily heavily judged. Trying to break cycles with my own daughters. Your mom is amazing 💜” one user said.
Another noted, “Yep. Would’ve made a huge difference. Instead, I have religious trauma and haven’t had a single healthy relationship. 🙃 BUT, at least I can pass this wisdom on to my nieces. 💕”
“10/10 Mom. I would also suggest talking about the feeling of pleasure is something you can do yourself – it does not 🟰 love and does not require a partner. ❤️,” another noted.
