When my oldest child was little, I wore him everywhere. I talked to him when he threw a tantrum instead of punishing him for kicking up. And if I ever messed up, I wouldn’t shy from saying “I’m sorry” to him. And depending on who I was with, not infrequently, this would elicit an all too familiar response from the friends and (especially) older family members around me. “You’re going to spoil him.” As we approach the holidays, I imagine a lot of parents are girding their loins and their spirits from an onslaught of similar “parenting advice” from well-meaning relatives, and Lia (@lia.m.w), a stay-at-home mom and TikTok creator, has the perfect response.
“You don’t make spoiled kids by saying ‘yes’ too much. You make spoiled kids by saying ‘no’ and then when they cry and whine and yell you change your mind,” she says, continuing…
“I’m not worried about letting my kids indulge from time to time. I’m not worried about them having too much fun or being too happy or enjoying themselves too much. I am not worried about comforting them when they’re having a hard time, even when they’re ‘misbehaving.’ But when I do set a boundary it is held and then I tell them what they can do, because telling them what they can do is more empowering than telling them what they can’t.”
I love this mindset, because it’s true. Of course that doesn’t mean to say yes to every unreasonable whim of your toddler, but it does take a little pressure off the idea that they’re all just one gift, trip to the park, or ice cream cone away from becoming monstrous brats.
Commenters were also here for these wise words.
“THIS! Stick with your nos AND your yeses,” says one. “It builds trust and they believe you when you say yes or no.”
“Kids learn boundaries by how well you stick to yours,” another points out. “If you want them to set boundaries, show them how.”
Another commenter added a layer to this ethos, suggesting parents be open to the idea that they are allowed to change their nos and yeses under appropriate circumstances.
“Listen when they respond reasonably and collaboratively to change your mind,” they write. “Show them an appropriate way to problem solve instead of tantruming.”
Genius.
So this year, don’t worry about “spoiling” your kid with too much Yes… and let your busybody relatives know they don’t have to worry either.
