Over the past year, I’ve noticed my 7-year-old daughter adopting many of my mannerisms and preferences. First, it was appearance stuff, like outfit choices or the way she wore her hair. Then she started showing an interest in things I do, like early morning walks around the block, manicures, and photography.
To be honest, I didn’t think much of it — I figured she was copying everyone around her, like most kids do. And then, last week, a piece of paper fell out of her backpack while I was doing my typical after-school emptying. She had drawn a picture of a tall, blonde girl holding a phone and a camera. In bold, typed font at the top, it read, “I want to be _______ when I grow up.” And on the blank, in her little 7-year-old half-backwards handwriting, she had written “my mom.”
At that moment, that I realized that sometime in the last seven years, I had somehow become this little girl’s idol. And I panicked. And I am still panicking because despite the absolute honor I feel that she has bestowed this title on me, I think it’s pretty unworthy.
To be clear, I feel I am a generally good person. I have good morals, I’m charitable with my time, and I follow the general rules of society. I try my best to be an incredible mom, wife, daughter, and friend. But God, I am flawed!
I am impatient and impulsive and spend way too much time on my phone. I can be judgmental and snarky, and I have the mouth of a trucker. I mean, I feel confident in my ability to keep my kids alive and help them grow, but holy sh*t, the idea that they actively want to be just like me? That’s a whole different level of pressure.
So I freaked out. I had a good cry and spent a couple of days feeling really stressed out, making a mental list of all the things I would quickly change about myself somehow make me worthy of my new role. But a little time has passed, and I’ve settled into a few other feelings as well.
First, I feel empowered. I feel so proud to be in charge of such a wonderful 7-year-old. Maybe I can feel a bit more confident in myself if someone so awesome and cool wants to be just like me. What a confidence booster!
I feel motivated to continue to try my best and work hard to be the best version of myself. At first I thought that meant I needed to be perfect to live up to my ideal vision of who I would want my daughter to emulate, but I realized that not only is that not realistic, it isn’t ideal. I want my daughter to look up to someone who tries their best, makes mistakes, and learns from them. I want her to idolize someone who can be messy and flawed but is true to herself and willing to own up to her mistakes. And those are things I can improve without feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Most importantly, I feel grateful that I get to be a mother who is in charge of emptying the after school backpack to find surprise things like this. That I am healthy and able and still have time to make a few changes to better myself for the both of us. While I might not feel like someone worthy of being idolized, she clearly sees me differently. And how lucky is that.
Samm is an ex-lawyer and mom of four who swears a lot. Find her on Instagram @sammbdavidson.
