Time and time again, we hear stories about incompetent dads and husbands. Those guys who insist on having big families but when it comes to the actual work of raising that family, they check out. One mom is calling out this double standard in her latest TikTok, noting that men are taught to want kids but not how to be nurturing and present fathers.
“Men are taught to want kids, but not how to be dads. There are lots of men that want to have kids. There are fewer men that want to be dads, and it’s really important, as women, that we discern between the two, because they’re not the same,” Abby Eckel notes.
“A man that wants kids, he’s thinking legacy. He’s thinking caring on the family name, having little mini-me’s running around, having kids running around, the milestones, the highlight reel. Very few men though, when they think about, ‘I want to be a father’, are they thinking about the daily grind task, the midnight feedings, the diaper changes, the to and from of the inevitable sports that they’ll play.”
She then delves into the deeper issue of why this kind of thinking occurs in men: archaic societal norms.
“We bombard boys with messages about being providers, protectors. But when’s the last time you actually saw a boy being taught how to nurture? How many young male babysitters do you have on your roster? I don’t have any. How many little boys do you see walking around with a baby doll, feeding her, changing her diaper?” she asked before heeding a warning to women looking for a life partner to procreate with.
“So, before you have kids with a man, watch how they handle responsibility. Do they take initiative on things, or are they always sitting back waiting for you to tell them what to do? Do they notice what needs to be done without being asked? Because wanting kids is about the destination, having kids is about the journey,” she said.
“So the next time a man tells you he wants to have kids, ask him a few questions. What type of role does he plan on playing in his kids’ lives? Ask him what kind of role his father played in his life. Was he making lunches? Was he taking him to doctor’s appointments? Was he at parent-teacher conferences? Because the difference between men that want kids and men that want to be fathers is a very big one. And it’s important one that we cannot overlook. We can’t afford to overlook.”
After her video gained traction, hundreds of TikTok users weighed in with their own theories about this double standard.
“Same for being married. Do they just want a wife, or do they want to BE a husband,” one user daid.
Another shared, “Our son wanted a baby doll when he was 5. I bought him one — with a carrier, clothes, diapers- everything. Everyone flipped out. I simply said — he’s gonna be a dad one day isn’t he?”
“Facts. We don’t have good examples or anyone teaching us. We have to do better for our sons,” one user wrote.
