When I found out my first child would be a daughter, I was ecstatic. I couldn’t wait to dress her up in the adorable mommy-and-me outfits. I dreamed about bedtime and sharing my favorite book series with her. I hoped for a relationship a la Gilmore Girls, except without all the unhealthy parentification mess. We’d be mother and daughter, but she’d know my heart and my door were always open. But as quickly as the excitement filled my heart, I started getting the unsolicited comments about how hard it is to have girls. I wasn’t surprised, of course. Even back when I was a teenage girl, plenty of women in my life preached about raising girls as a cautionary tale: Just wait until you have a daughter just like you, then you’ll know what we’re talking about.
For parents, the teen years with girls specifically are painted as this awful, horrible, difficult time when our beloved babies turn into wild, unruly minions of darkness. They have horrible attitudes and talk back non-stop. They’re brats who want too much and don’t give anything back in return. Think I’m being overdramatic? Need I remind you about the endless rants at the beginning of the year about “Sephora Tweens”?
Well, my daughters have finally reached tweenhood, and I’d like to say today, as we approach a new school year, that I’m sick of hearing it, and you shouldn’t live in fear of this phase. I’ll stick up for the most dreaded and feared era of parenting: teen girlhood.
I get that some tweens and teenage girls say and do some mind-boggling things, but isn’t that all part of navigating the teenage years? Even with guidance and well-meaning advice from their parents, these kids are just trying to figure out how to grow up in a world that is constantly telling them they aren’t enough and somehow, at the same time, too much. As a daughter and a mother of daughters, I can say for a fact that this is especially true for girls.
Why do people hate on teen girls so much? Is it because society wants them to know from a young age that they should stay in their own lane? You know they hear these off-hand comments. Your teenage daughters have access to the same op-eds and TikToks you consume saying, “Watch out! Be afraid, be very afraid! Teenage years are an absolute disaster and super rough.” They can hear parents making unsolicited remarks about how teenage girls are mean and nasty and hormonal and generally hell on wheels. How do you think that makes them feel?
What if we spent more time really being there for our teenage daughters? Can you imagine the potential we could power by letting them figure out how to be a teen and giving them a soft space to land when they eventually screw it up? Because they will — after all, they’re still kids.
It’s already hard enough for them to navigate their teen years. Every time they interact with social media, they’re told that everyone else out there is living their best life while theirs might be just okay. (Even though as we all know as adults that that’s bogus.)
Do you remember how transformative the teenage years felt? There are first loves and new relationships. Our girls are growing in and out of friendships, a whole other type of growing pain that comes with a slew of emotions. Becoming a teenager is exciting, but there’s also a bit of melancholy that comes with giving up things that bring them joy (because they’re “too old” for it) or feeling like high school is a four-year short ride to adulthood.
Being a teen is hard, and yes, parenting teens presents unique challenges, but I’m not totally convinced that all the blame should be put on these complainers’ teenage daughters. Maybe the parents who spent time complaining should instead accept and embrace their daughter’s quirks and let them grow into the women they were meant to be?
I don’t know about you, but both my daughters are pretty freaking fantastic — and I’m not just saying that as their mom. They’re funny and smart and have a whole different perspective that feels golden and they give me a little hope in the dumpster fire that is today’s world. And yes, they try my patience every week like clockwork, but you know what? So do plenty of other grown adults. So to cast teenage daughters as sassy, spoiled, difficult villains in society doesn’t seem accurate. It certainly isn’t fair.
While I like to think that parenting with empathy, compassion, and kindness has something to do with how great my girls are, at the end of the day, I have to give it up to them. My girls are incredible not because of me, but because of who they are. And honestly, I’m sure your daughter is too. So whether you have a teenager or are an auntie, a grandma, or a family–friend who they rely on and look up to, take the time to choose your words carefully. Instead of fearing their teenage years, embrace them with joy, curiosity, and support — who knows, maybe anticipating the “terrible teenage” years is what actually makes them so awful.
Remind your daughter that you’re there to support her, guide her, and give her some hard advice when she needs it, but above all, that you love her no matter what — you might just need her to adjust her attitude from time to time. Even though, yes, she probably gets it from her momma.
Holly Garcia writes about parenting, mental health, and all the lifestyle things. She hails from the Midwest, where she’s raising her daughters and drinking copious amounts of coffee.
