Whether you are in a new relationship or have been married for years, figuring out how to talk to your partner about intimacy can be a challenge. Maybe you want to bring up something new you’d like to try in bed, and you’re not sure how your sweetie will react. Or, perhaps you’ve been trying to work on something about your sex lives for a while, but after trying for so long, it’s always a loaded conversation. So, we asked a sex and relationships therapist for her best advice on bringing up getting down and dirty.
For starters, is talking about sex supposed to be easy peasy, or is it kind of a rough go for everyone? “Open, healthy communication about sex looks like talking about sex the same way that you talk about what you’re going to have for dinner: often, and in a neutral way. I want couples to feel like sex is a safe topic of conversation, that they can talk about it frequently and openly, and that the majority of the conversations are not goal-oriented and are not trying to change or fix anything,” says Vanessa Marin, a licensed psychotherapist and co-author of Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life. She wrote the book with her husband, Xander, after their own struggles with discussing sex (yep, even literal therapists have a hard time with it, so don’t feel bad).
So, before you go trying to bring up your deepest, darkest fantasies or changing something about your sex life, maybe make sure you’re both feeling safe talking about intimacy. Paying a few compliments to something your partner did right in the bedroom can be a nice way to start building that trust and connection.
Talking about sex without it turning into a fight
The key to talking about sex is being able to discuss it in a “general, impersonal way,” Marin says. “The number one mistake that people make when it comes to talking about sex is they don’t talk about it until there’s a problem with their sex life, and then they go straight into criticisms and complaints.”
If conversations about your sex life tend to go south fast, consider why. The first time she ever talked about sex with her husband, Marin says she was “basically yelling at him,” asking why he never wanted to have sex with her anymore (they were in a dry spell). “It did not leave either of us feeling like sex was a safe or healthy topic, so we avoided talking about it for a very long time because that first conversation was so bad.”
Sound like your current situation? Marin says you can start breaking the ice by sending your partner a funny TikTok or Instagram Reel about sex that has nothing to do with your sex life. “When we talk about sex in this general way — more about what’s going on with other people’s life, or ‘What did you think about their advice here?’ — it just makes it feel like a safe open topic of conversation, rather than ‘Why don’t you ever want to have sex with me? Why don’t you ever initiate sex anymore?’”
Talking to your partner about trying something new in the bedroom
If you and your lover are totally fine talking about sex but you want to broach new territory, it can still feel scary. What if the new fantasy you have is a major turnoff for them? Even in a happy marriage or long-term relationship, it can make you feel pretty vulnerable to talk about what you like in bed.
“One of my favorite ways to do it if you’re feeling shy about it is to say that you had a dream about it,” Marin says. It’s genius, honestly — just blame your unconscious brain. “That gives you such a great excuse to say, like, ‘You know, I had this really interesting dream last night we were doing XYZ. I’ve never really thought about that before, but now I can’t get it out of my head.’ Or, ‘I didn’t think I would think that was sexy, but it was really hot in my dream.’ It gives you a chance to gauge your partner’s reaction.”
Of course, if you’ve been struggling with talking about sex or making progress on an intimacy-related issue, seeing a sex and relationship therapist could be the next step you need to get on the same page. But if you’re just beginning to work on getting back to neutral ground, find yourself some Reels and start paying some compliments.
