We all hope our kids inherit our best genes, but there’s no question that they also pick up our worst habits — including our digital dependencies. After all, adults know as well as children that when phone screens compete for attention, they win every time. So, what’s a parent to do?
“Some overarching rules are essential for all kids,” says Laura Ordoñez, executive editor and head of digital media and family advice at Common Sense Media, a non-profit that assesses kids’ content and works to make media and technology safer, healthier, and more equitable for children. “Setting limits on screen time, ensuring access to age-appropriate content, and designating no-phone times or places are practices that benefit every child to provide a foundation for healthy phone use.”
The TL;DR Backstory
Phones aren’t innately dangerous, Ordoñez tells me, but TBH, we don’t fully understand the long-term effects of constant connectivity. What we do know: In the short term, too much screen time and exposure to inappropriate content can really mess with a kid’s mental health, Ordoñez says.
For young kids, unrestricted phone use can interfere with important developmental milestones, like IRL socialization and self-regulation. Sans phone boundaries, littles might miss out on playtime, sleep, and real-life experiences. And then, there are the battles: The amount of time I personally spend keeping my 4-year-old away from my cell phone, then drying tears, silencing screams, and emotionally recovering after his limited cell phone time expires? It adds up to more minutes than his watch time, FML.
Down the road, teens who become attached to their phones can develop anxiety, sleep deprivation, and distraction from schoolwork and meaningful relationships, Ordoñez notes. Plus, exposure to the dregs of the internet can lead to long-term emotional, psychological, and developmental distress — and it doesn’t help that adolescents are particularly vulnerable to bullying, FOMO, filters, fraud, and predators, all of which can mess with self-esteem and mental health.
While it might sound like the kids are not going to be alright so long as cell phones are in the picture, no one’s calling for an outright ban on the devices that we honestly can’t live without. “High-quality educational content [accessed on cell phones] can help children broaden their learning and worldview,” says Tiffany Munzer, MD, assistant professor of pediatrics in the division of developmental behavioral pediatrics at the University of Michigan. And as much damage as social media can do, it can also be grounding for marginalized kids who use it to find belonging, community, and even safety. “As long as kids have time to play, learn, sleep, connect with others, and explore in the physical world,” Munzer says, “it’s fine to spend some time using digital media.”
Cell Phone Boundaries By Age
Wouldn’t it be nice if experts agreed on the ideal amount of screen time to allow at every age point? LOL, it’s really not that simple. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) Center of Excellence on Social Media and Youth Mental Health recommends considering the 5 Cs to assess the risks vs. benefits of screen time for your particular kid:
- Child: Who is your child, and how do they react to the media?
- Content: What is worth their attention?
- Calm: Are they able to regulate their emotions or fall asleep… without a screen?
- Crowding out: What does time spent consuming media replace?
- Communication: Is your kiddo able to comprehend the risks and benefits of media and follow directions responsibly?
Once you assess the 5 Cs, “set clear rules about when and how long your child can use these devices, which prevents overuse, encourages a balanced lifestyle, and fosters a healthy relationship with technology,” Ordoñez says.
Not sure where to start? These guidelines from the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) can give you a broad sense of how much and what kind of phone time is appropriate at any age. Just know that rules that work for some kids might not be right for others, regardless of their age — so take ‘em, but feel free to tweak ‘em.
Babies: 0-18 Months Old
Many little ones gravitate toward devices soon after they exit the womb. (Can you blame them?) But Ordoñez says that parents shouldn’t acquiesce with phone access too early on. Before kiddos do their first lap and a half around the sun, “prioritize interactive, hands-on activities that support early development,” she says. Their phone time should be limited to video chatting with Grandma, who might very well need Dramamine to stomach the shaky ride.
Toddlers: 18-24 Months Old
As babies settle into toddlerhood, experts agree it’s smart to limit screen time to high-quality, age-appropriate content and avoid using the phone as a regular “babysitter.” (Whoops…)
Between the ages of 18 months and 2 years old, AACAP says it’s cool to use a cell phone to introduce a “limited amount” of ~educational programming~ while a caregiver is present so that you can engage with and reinforce lessons. Enter PBS shows like Sesame Street and Daniel Tiger. Just don’t press play to end tantrums or pacify cranky kids — these are big no-nos since they can interfere with kids learning to self-soothe and regulate their emotions. And don’t let programming replace regular playtime — it should still be kept to a minimum.
Little Kids: 2-5 Years Old
While screens should go off during family mealtime and outings, according to the AACAP, kids over 2 can amp up total screen time a bit after their second birthday: up to an hour a day is considered acceptable — as long as you recover your phone from them 30-60 minutes before bedtime, so they can wind down on their own.
But don’t let them go rogue just because they can. As kiddos become more comfortable using smartphones, “parents often underestimate how much supervision is needed,” says Ordoñez, as I slink in my chair thinking of my 4-year-old cruising the internet like a grown-ass adult. So while it’s easier to take a break from parenting anytime your kid’s got a phone in their hand, it’s best to check in on WTF they’re looking at to ensure the content is suitable for their age and maturity level… and that they haven’t, like, Facetimed an ex-boyfriend. (CAN YOU IMAGINE?)
Scheduling consistent media use for predictable times of day can help kids maintain some semblance of control while you play content police, Munzer says.
Just don’t get into the habit of using phone time to reward little kids, which can create power struggles and make the phone extra desirable, Ordoñez warns, as every parent crawls under their chair. “Instead, you can treat phone use as a responsibility that comes with clear expectations for healthy and balanced use, which also allows kids to feel more agency,” she says.
Now’s also the time to help your kids learn ways they can use a phone as a tool: Try narrating what you’re doing on your mobile device — and remember that “I’m just adding bread to our grocery order!” has a better ring to it than “BRB, going down a TikTok hole!”
Bigger Kids: 5-10 Years Old
As kids progress to the second half of their first decade, they might start asking for their own phones — but really don’t need one yet, Ordoñez says.
That said, “as children get older, it is easier for them to learn from high-quality media,” Munzer notes. In other words? It’s not a crime to provide them with limited access to your cell phone.
Focus on setting strict time limits, which should depend on what else your kid’s got going on: Once they tick the boxes on sleep, play, reading, learning, homework, and extracurriculars, digital media can fill in that leftover time, Munzer says. Just continue to closely monitor content so they are only using apps and games that are age-appropriate, Ordoñez says — no social media.
The bottom line during this formative time? The key to not creating a phone-obsessed monster is encouraging a balance between screen time and other activities like outdoor play, reading, and family time.
Preteens: 10-14 Years Old
Depending on your kiddo (see the 5 Cs above), this may be when you bequeath them with their first smartphone. But it’s not one for all, all for one. “The question of whether a child is ready for a mobile device is very individualized,” Munzer reinforces. And you don’t want to conflate age with maturity. How they approach tricky peer situations, which could be amplified on social media; how well they’re able to set boundaries and limits for themselves; and their ability to complete school work independently without distraction might all figure into determining whether they’re officially ready, she says
Once they’ve got their own phone number, establish clear rules from the start, like no phones during family dinners, which could interfere with face-to-face interactions, and no phones in the bedroom at night, which could take a toll on sleep. Establish consequences for breaking rules, like temporary limits on when and where your kid can use their phone. But reassure them that they can tell you about anything they encounter online, and you’ll work through it together rather than taking their phone away as punishment; this builds trust and encourages open communication, says Ordoñez.
Speaking of communication, now is a good time to kick off talks about privacy and online risks — especially if they want to participate in social media. “It’s not like the moment they turn 13, kids are rewired to know exactly how to use these devices responsibly,” Ordoñez reminds us.
Teens: 15-17 Years Old
While teens crave (and fine, need) more independence, phone boundaries are still important for helping them develop healthy digital habits, Ordoñez says. To marry the two, let your teen participate in setting their own phone boundaries while you continue to monitor the content they consume and produce, specifically on social media. That convo about potential risks of screen addiction, cyberbullying, and exposure to harmful content? Make sure it’s a constant, not a one-time thing.
At this age, “what they do on their phones matters more than how long they’re on them,” Ordoñez says. “Facetiming a friend or family member is much different than watching hours of videos or mindlessly scrolling through social media. Conflicts over screen time can sometimes do more harm than the screen time itself, so emphasize the quality of their screen use.”
The key is to keep lines of communication open. They might be on their phones more than usual when dealing with friend drama or digesting stressful situations — so talk to them, and help address the root cause.
And if you notice your kid is always on their phone? Take a look at your own habits. “If you’re always on your phone, they’re likely to do the same,” Ordoñez says in the ultimate callout. “It’s also great to be open and honest with them when you make a mistake or aren’t happy with your own phone habits, which lets them see that learning healthy phone habits is a process.”
A Word About ~Other~ Screens
The core principles of setting cell phone boundaries — like limiting mature content and establishing time limits — apply to all screens, from TVs to tablets to gaming consoles. Since cell phones provide such a wide range of content and support social interactions, though, Ordoñez says they require tighter restrictions. So, put on those parenting pants.
